Raw

“(1) Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the Angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right hand to oppose him.  (2) And the Lord said to Satan, ‘The Lord rebuke you, Satan!  The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you!  Is this not a brand plucked from the fire?’

(3) Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments, and was standing before the Angel.  (4) Then He answered and spoke to those who stood before Him, saying, ‘Take away the filthy garments from him.’  And to him He said, ‘See, I have removed your iniquity from you, and I will clothe you with rich robes.’

(5) And I said, ‘Let them put a clean turban on his head.’  So they put a clean turban on his head, and they put the clothes on him.  And the Angel of the Lord stood by.”  (Zechariah 3:1-5)

 

God truly does have a perfect sense of timing about things.  Today at Church Pastor Mark did a sermon on sexual assault; basically Chapter 7 of the book “Real Marriage” that he wrote with his wife.  If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it.  Even if you aren’t married you probably know people who are, or you likely will be married yourself one day.  This was a hard and uncomfortable sermon for me.  But timely.  I am currently reading the book “Rid of my Disgrace” by the Holcombs; another highly recommended book.  It deals with sexual assault in the light of what Jesus did for us on the cross.  Again, even if you have never been sexually assaulted I can promise you that you probably know someone who has so this would be an awesome book for you to read so you know what to say….and more importantly what not to say…to someone who is hurting from this.  I will warn you that this book is not an easy read, particularly if you have been sexually assaulted.  I am only able to get through maybe a chapter a week. Right now I am on Chapter 5, which is about denial, and I am really struggling with how much of that I have actually been doing since my assault.

 

So today’s ‘Our Daily Bread’ fit in with the sermon.  It is about taking away the filth of our iniquity to clothe us in rich robes.  Pastor Mark spoke about how Jesus takes away my shame, my defilement, and scorns it on the cross.  To be perfectly honest I don’t fully understand it.  I see the vague outline of it like looking through a frosted over window peering out through a dense fog.  I can see the outline of the cross there, but in light of what happened to me I struggle.  Which is why I am going to be going through a Redemption Group to help me with this.  This idea terrifies me; it makes me want to itch all over.  You see I thought I was past all of this.  I went to a Rape Counselor for about a year and a half just over 5 years ago to deal with all of this.  I thought I had moved beyond it.  That everything was fine.  Only to learn within the first two chapters of reading the book that I probably suffer from PTSD, and that I am really not okay with what happened to me.  At all.  I learned how to function again on a normal standard.  I learned how to check back into this world.  But I have no idea what it means to be healed or not feel the way I feel.

 

The Scripture reading today says that Joshua was dressed in filthy rags.  I know it is common for assault victims to feel dirty or gross.  I feel disgust.  I feel disgusting.  I often believe the lie that the Enemy tells me that my fiancé thinks I am disgusting.  I don’t like to look at myself in the mirror because of that disgust.  I was raped over ten years ago and I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago that I carried this identity from that assault.  It was always just sort of there in the back of my mind.  So when I read that verse in the Scripture I cringe.  It makes my stomach turn because I can imagine what Joshua was feeling in that moment standing before the lord wearing that.  And Pastor Mark hit it on the head today with one of the struggles I have been having.  What was I supposed to do, say “Forgive me Jesus for being raped repeatedly by my ex-fiancé at the time.”  It wasn’t my sin.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  How does that get off?  I can’t scrub it off, trust me I have tried to scrub it off to the point of bleeding before in my past.  I have never been able to ever really feel clean again.  I want to feel clean again.  Which is why I really, really want to go to this Redemption Group no matter how terrified I am.

 

So the devotional today spoke about how Jesus takes away our sin: something I totally understand and am eternally grateful for. But Pastor Mark spoke of something else which I don’t get so I thought to look up what the dictionary definition of “iniquity” is.  Iniquity: 1. Gross injustice or wickedness; and 2. A violation of right or duty, wicked act; sin.  If I use that first definition it helps me to see that cross a little more clearly.  The Angel of the Lord, Jesus Christ, takes away my gross injustices.  All the gross, disgusting, deplorable injustices done upon me that make it impossible for me to look at myself in the mirror…Jesus took away.  My head knows that, but my heart doesn’t understand it.  I want to understand it.  I know that my understanding of it won’t happen overnight.  I know it is something I need to mediate on, prayerfully seek out the Holy Spirit to help me.

 

So tonight I will go to bed with that prayer in my heart for help, comfort, and understanding.  And a new memory verse that Crystal from “Rid of my Disgrace”, was kind enough to share. “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” (Joel 2:25).  God is a good and faithful God.  I believe He will keep that promise.

Trust and Obey

“(13) Now when they had departed, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream, saying, ‘Arise, take the young Child and His mother, flee to Egypt, and stay there until I bring you word; for Herod will seek the young Child to destroy Him.’

(14) When he arose, he took the young Child and His mother by night and departed for Egypt, (15) and was there until the death of Herod, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying, ‘Out of Egypt I called My Son.’

(16) Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the wise men. (17) Then was fulfilled what was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying:

(18)’A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children, refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.’

(19) Now when Herod was dead, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt, (20) saying, ‘Arise, take the young Child and His mother, and go to the land of Israel, for those who sought the young Child’s life are dead.’

(21) Then he arose, took the young Child and His mother, and came into the land of Israel. (22) But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning over Judea instead of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. And being warned by God in a dream, he turned aside into the region of Galilee. (23) And he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, ‘He shall be called a Nazarene.’” (Matthew 2:13-23)

                I tried to write about this yesterday but I found myself merely telling the story again only I was adding in the details of the hardships this new, small family had to go through. The Bible is full of accounts of people who heard God speak to them—whether through a dream, a burning bush, or by means of an angel—and they are told to leave everything they know, everyone they love, behind. Just get up, go to this strange and foreign land I am sending you right now. Don’t wait a week. Don’t make travel plans. Don’t figure out a new job before getting there. Just go. Right now. And amazingly enough each one of them did. Granted Jonah got up and went the exact opposite way than God had told him, but in the end Jonah ended up in Nineveh. Back then there was no Google, no MapQuest, no GPS, no cell phones, and not even a mail system for them to ‘keep in touch’. They just got up and went.

                To be honest I don’t know if I am capable of that kind of obedience. I console myself by saying it would be different once God Himself was actually speaking to me. But then I wonder if I would think myself a little loopy to even entertain the idea of God speaking directly to me. Which really just makes me sad. I know God still speaks to us. He speaks to us—the believer and non-believer—through other people, through dreams, through music, and through our own souls. The problem is we don’t listen, we don’t see, we don’t pay attention, we get distracted, we have to answer this text message, we have to take this other call, we need to get coffee first, and we believe we have to be crazy to actually think God has spoken to us. I know I have personally used all of those excuses and some of them more than once.   The hard truth is I don’t know if I could have been obedient enough to God’s will to keep Jesus safe. And having typed out that shameful confession I feel extremely uncomfortable. The truth hurts, and the only way to change that truth is to admit it and figure out why.

                What Joseph and Mary did in the first few years of Jesus’ life is amazing. I read those ten verses and I am in awe of their trust in God. God says to jump and they ask how high. God told me to write a book, and I said, “Sorry, Jesus and I are not on speaking terms right now. So I am going to go do massage.”   Right out of massage school I get diagnosed with cancer and that consumes my life for about 8 months. During that time I meet this great Christian guy and become saved.

                So God comes back and says, “I want you to write this book. Jesus and you are on speaking terms again.”

                My reply? “Sorry, God, that story is too personal and uncomfortable. It is too revealing. Besides, I really want to do this massage thing. I am good at it and it could give me a more comfortable life.”

                A month and a half after I start working as a massage therapist I fall and basically destroy my ankle. I spend the next 20 months unable to walk. I now have severe nerve damage in my left leg. I have a noticeable limp. I had to have major reconstructive surgery on my ankle. All in all, being a massage therapist is out of the question for me. And in these last two years of recovering God has really leaned on my heart and told me He really wants me to write this book. So now I am writing this book.

                It wasn’t three days in the belly of a great fish, but I unfortunately took after Jonah rather than Joseph. I don’t think God gave me cancer. I don’t believe God caused my ankle injury. Had I listened to God and wrote the book the first time I still would have gotten cancer. The difference is I probably would have handled it better emotionally because I would have already had Jesus at my side and had the Holy Spirit as my strength. I would have done things during that time much differently. If I had written the book after the second prodding I might not have gotten hurt. I might not have been at work that day to live up to my klutzy ways.  Then again, because I am most skilled, I might have found another way in another place to have the exact same injury. But the book would have been done by this time, and probably published. And that could mean I would have had added money where I have currently been struggling with what little Workmen’s Comp has been paying me.

                So here I am, writing the book I should have written two years ago. At the end of the day God’s will is being done. If Joseph had woken up from that first dream and said, “Sorry God, I need to finish working on that bench for the Smith’s. It will give me the money I need to make the trip to Egypt for you. Let me get that out of the way first.” I don’t think it would have changed things. I don’t think if Joseph delayed his leaving for Egypt would have enabled Herod’s men to find Jesus and kill Him. God had a plan. I do think that the delay would have cost Joseph in some other way. Why do I think that? Because when we give up God’s perfect, good plans to follow our own design…it can never end as good. We aren’t perfect. We don’t know everything. We don’t see everything. My design will always fall short of God’s design. So why, then, do I always think I know better? Why do we always have excuses wrapped up in the pretty packages of ‘valid reasons’?

                Pride. For me it usually boils down to pride. I was too proud of myself, and all I have done, to think I needed Jesus. I was good enough, despite my pervasive sinful ways, it was more than enough. Jesus dying on the cross to atone for me is redundant and obsolete. The problem is God is never obsolete. He wouldn’t have humbled himself by becoming a human child, dependent on sinful people (because we are all sinners, even Joseph and Mary) to keep Him alive through Herod’s rage, and submit Himself to the degrading, spiteful, hateful ways of man when He could easily wipe any one of us out for all time…..if we could do it on our own. And it took one man (my Raggedy Andy) and cancer to entertain the idea I am not almighty…to open a Bible and read what God actually has to say.

                So I read the four Gospels. I met Jesus. I admitted I am not good enough on my own because I am a sinner. I became saved. But I still held on to my pride. I, after all, had paid a lot of money to go to this school. I really loved giving massage. I was good at it. I could make myself a comfortable life doing massage that didn’t involve me opening my life up to the public scrutiny that would come with the writing of the book. My way was clearly better. My way was clearly less painful. And in my way I still loved Jesus, so everything was good.

                I wonder what would have happened if Joseph took that road. If he obeyed the first dream by taking Jesus and His mother away, but instead of going to Egypt he went to north into Syria, or maybe wanted to spend some time on the Island of Cyprus. I bet that choice would have required several more verses having been written and maybe required another chapter to write about how that had gone. Because I honestly don’t think it would have gone well for Joseph. But Joseph headed the wisdom of the Proverbs. God is good. And true wisdom is found in aligning ourselves to the will of the Lord. He heard and he obeyed. Mary listened to her husband, submitted to his wisdom in obey God, and followed. How many women, today, would make those same choices?

                So as I sit here and read that passage again I want to shine the light on how incredible Joseph and Mary are. I want to hold them up high so that way I can look at how good they are without ever addressing what their light shines back at me. Which is a mistake I think a lot of us make when we read the Bible. God gives me the example of this small family not just so I can admire them…but so I can strive to be like them. See and obey. Hear and obey. Know and obey. Trust and obey. The trusting part is as hard as the obedient part. The world we live in today doesn’t nurture the concept of trust. It feeds us ways to bend trust, sneak around trust, or tell little white lies to trust for its own good.

                Jesus told us, however, that the moment we believe in Him we are not of this world. We should not strive for worldly things. We can either hunger after Jesus and follow His ways; or we can hunger after man and follow in worldly ways. I can honestly say I hunger after Jesus and attempt to follow His ways…while I stumble along the ways of the world. I am getting better at distinguishing between the two paths. I know I will never be able to perfectly follow the footsteps Christ has left for me. But I also know that when I come before the Father…I won’t have to the tolls for all the detours I took. Jesus already bought my ticket, He took over my debt. I don’t have a bill to atone for. So I need to be better at trusting and obeying. For anyone who can pay off my debts to God…is better, more good, more trustworthy, and more deserving of obedience than any other man on earth can ever hope to be.

                So I need to be more like Joseph and Mary. Not because without them Jesus wouldn’t have made it. Jesus would have made it by the God’s grace and through His will. I need to be more like Joseph and Mary for they obeyed God because they knew they needed Jesus. I shouldn’t do God’s will, and write this book, because God needs me to. God will get it done one way or the other. I should be doing God’s will because I need God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit in my life. And the only way to have Them in my life…is to walk with Them. Not against Them or away from Them.

More like the wise men

“(9) When they heard the king, they departed; and behold, the star which they had seen in the East went before them, till it came and stood over where the young Child was. (10) When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceedingly great joy. (11) And when they had come into the house, they saw the young Child with Mary His mother, and fell down and worshiped Him. And when they had opened their treasures, they presented gifts to Him: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. (12) Then, being divinely warned in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed for their own country another way.” (Matthew 2:9-12)

                I have grown up watching the short cartoon versions of this, as well as one or two Claymation’s of how this event might have occurred. It is always depicted as a very solemn event with the three wise men being purely, wholeheartedly devoted to the task of finding baby Jesus to give him these gifts. As I read this passage as an adult I wonder what it was really like for these three men. First off to be considered a “wise” man back then one of the first things you needed to be was older. These were not young men in their teens or twenties. These three men were older men and they had to walk a very long way to reach the manger where Jesus was. The Bible does not indicate how far away “east” is, but I can guarantee you it was more than a few days walk. It probably took them months to complete the journey to Bethlehem. I am trying to keep that in mind as I visualize these three older men trekking along the hot desert sands.

                So in my head I am picturing these three wise men spot this star in the heavens. They somehow interpret this to mean the Messiah, the King of the Jews, has been born. Their first thought is to go pay the King of the Jews homage. They want to be a part of this enormous event going on in Judea. I imagine them making the arrangements to go. I am sure they might have even been excited at this final arrival of prophecy. I can imagine this hum of anticipation is carried with them as they make their way on camel and foot through the desert. I mean, heck, I get excited when a movie I want to see comes out. The five minute car ride to the theater is giddy for me and we all talk about how awesome we hope this movie will be. And that’s just for a movie. These three men were devoting months to uncomfortable and possible dangerous travel to meet baby Jesus. They had to be excited. There had to be this giddy rush of anticipation that grew on them every day for months. This is a huge amount of build up that would drive me crazy.

                I can imagine them one day out from Judea. There they all are, sitting around a camp fire, talking about what they will find the next day. I wonder if they talked about the various celebrations that were going on. I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought of magnificent feasts being held as they dined on bare minimums of caravan food life. Did they try to guess how big of a crowd would be gathered? Did they wonder how long they would have to wait in line to see baby Jesus? I wonder if any of them pondered on how good it was to be a Jew that day as they celebrated the birth of their King, their Messiah. Or did they wonder how strange it was to not meet any other travelers along this road coming to do the very same thing they were there to do? Did doubt nibble at all in their hearts, or did any of them explain it away by saying the gathering people must have taken another road? I wonder, as they went to bed that night, if these types of questions stole away some of the giddy anticipation the three wise men had when they first started out.

                No matter their state of minds that night the next day would dawn. In the light I am sure their spirits were lifted as they headed into Judea. I wonder at what point their smiles began to fade. How long did it take them to realize something was terribly wrong? Instead of finding celebrations and feasts as they walked into Jerusalem they found people going about their everyday lives as though nothing miraculous had happened. Did their hearts doubt in that moment? Did they question themselves, their sanity, or the months’ worth of toil it took to walk up to the heart of Jerusalem to seek out the King of the Jews? Nothing was going on in Jerusalem. No one seemed to notice the star. The priests of Israel were not out heralding the arrival of the Messiah. Songs of praise were not bouncing off the walls. The three wise men were walking toward King Herod as Jerusalem was settled in just another day. I wonder if they made excuses for the lack of joy and jubilation going on around them.

                Then these three men meet Herod the King. Herod’s reply to their inquiry of where the King of the Jews was born can be summed up in one word: “Huh?” I wonder how deeply that response burst their bubbles. Chief priests and scholars were summoned to figure out the truth of these three wise men. These Chief priests of the Jews and Jewish scholars all came back with the same response. What the three wise men had said to be true was true. The Messiah was to be born at this time. There was a star in the night sky. And again I wonder if the three wise men, upon hearing this, expected to see the celebrations begin that night. I wonder if their giddy anticipation lit again in their hearts as they imagined being in the beginning thick of it all. Did any of them hold their breath in wait of the heralding call of the priests or scholars? But nothing came.

                No word spread through Jerusalem. The synagogues didn’t explode with the news, teachings, and fulfilled prophecy.   How disheartening was it for those three wise men when they realized that the very people who should have known this day were completely oblivious and content to remain so? I wonder if any of them felt the nibbling nagging of doubt as they left Herod the King. Was there an argument around the campfire that night about whose bright idea it was to come all this way for nothing? If the Messiah had been born, after all, wouldn’t the Jews be the first people to know it? If I were one of those men I am afraid I would have been confused and completely disappointed. There were no celebrations. There were no feasts. No one was singing and there was no dancing in the streets. I might have even been a little frustrated and mad at having traveled for so long, for so far, and gone through so much simply to get here. And for what? For nothing. No one noticed. No one seemed to care. I can’t even begin to imagine the level of disappointment that could have gone on.

                But the three wise men didn’t pick up their ball and go home. Instead they found the star and followed it on to Bethlehem. I wonder if this confused them. Or maybe they knew of the prophecy of Him being born in this tiny town? I wonder if they consoled themselves with the possibility of celebrating occurring in Bethlehem due to the birth of the Savior there. But then again they were the only caravan on the road heading toward this small town. There wasn’t a line of people, nor were their growing crowds. As they entered this tiny place the three men were probably struck dumb by the lack of notice. The King of the Jews had just been born amongst them and no one noticed. They didn’t even find the Messiah in the best room of the finest motel. They found Him alone with His mother. Joseph was the only other man there. This King of the Jews was born into poverty.

                I don’t know how I would have responded at this sight. I don’t know what I would have done. I try to picture it in my head but I know I won’t ever get it right. I don’t know if I would have recognized my Savior when I saw Him as a baby. I don’t know if my first response would be to fall to my knees at the feet of this Child. But the three wise men did just that. They saw baby Jesus and fell down to worship Him. For a moment try to picture this instant from Mary’s perspective. I wonder how shocked and speechless she was. The three men then took out their kingly gifts and presented them to baby Jesus. They didn’t doubt or hesitate in that moment. They knew Him, even as a baby. I envy them that. I don’t know if I would have given the emotional rollercoaster I would have been on between Jerusalem and Bethlehem.

                I am again struck profoundly by the cameo of these three men in the Bible. They aren’t major persons in any of the Books. They are only briefly mentioned. Not a whole lot is really even written about them. But they knew. They knew when an entire nation who should have known was completely clueless. And a lot of the times that is me. I am a new Christian so when I hear people talk about the Bible with such a thorough knowledge I feel uncomfortable. I should know those things. I need to know those things. I need to spend more time in the Holy Bible so I will know those same things. But I am pretty sure, back then, I wouldn’t have known.

                It is very strange for me to think of the three wise men as anything more than what those childhood cartoons showed me. They were smart, obviously wise, but hardly the big part in their own story. The focus is always on Jesus. As it should be. The birth of Jesus is so much more than anything else, but God mentions the three wise men in the Bible for a reason. The three wise men are a lesson I never really considered before because it comes to close to the main event so to speak. The three wise men aren’t only a hiccup of fact or a brief mention of detail. These three men present me with a choice of who I want to be. Will I be a wise man, a chief priest and scribe, or one of the masses?

                The Chief priests and scribes confirmed what the three wise men said. So they knew about the birth of Jesus but chose to do nothing with that information. How many people do you know today who know who Jesus is but choose not to do anything with that knowledge? The numbers of people I alone know who know about Jesus but choose to do nothing with that information is staggering. And I am ashamed to admit it sometimes in my life I act like one of those people. I know who Jesus is, what He has done, and what He is about, but I chose to do nothing with that information. I chose something else. Something a little shinier, a little flashier, and a little more selfish. I chose to ignore Jesus so I can continue doing what I am doing.

                Then there are those who are completely oblivious to Jesus. Today these are not just the people in the most remote places in the most third world countries who have never seen anyone outside of their village nor heard of the Bible before. Today these people are everyone who has heard of the Bible, who have heard the name Jesus, and chose not to know more. The commoners in Judea, people of the nation of Israel, had heard the stories and the prophecies since they were little. If any of them sought to devote time to Scripture they would have known what the three wise men knew. But they didn’t. These people didn’t investigate. They went about their lives to get through their lives. People today hear about God, hear the name Jesus, and turn their backs without investigating further. They are turned off before anything even starts. Right now I am not one of those people. I don’t say this with pride, but with fear. I can easily become like one of those people if I let sin take over my life. If I venture along my life too long in the role of a Chief priest or a Scribe…I will eventually become one of the masses.

                What I want to be is one of the wise men. Being one of the wise men isn’t about not having doubts. I am sure all of them had some doubts. They are human after all. But they continued on in the journey anyways. I wonder how many of us, upon arriving in Jerusalem, would have simply turned around and gone home. I don’t know if I would have gone the distance to Bethlehem. I would like to think I would have. I would like to think I could have that level of devotion. Every time I try to talk myself into saying I would have made it to Bethlehem I remind myself of Church. How many Sunday services have I missed for whatever reason? And it only takes me 20 minutes to drive to Church. I don’t have to walk for months on end. I don’t have to sweat and toil to get there. If I can sometimes talk myself out of a twenty minute drive, how easy would it be for me to talk myself out of days’ worth of walking? And I am a believer. I am saved.

                I need to be more like the three wise men. They walked for months to see baby Jesus. I will walk the rest of my life before I see Jesus. Our walk today is longer than theirs, but we have an advantage. My walk takes place in my home. I have food, water, and shelter. I have hot showers and comforters. Most importantly I have a complete Holy Bible in my hand. I know what Jesus came here to do, and I can read about what He did. I have countless things those three wise men didn’t have. So why then do I stray so easily from my walk? My reasons are really just excuses. None of those excuses are right or worthy. Jesus deserves better.

                The last thing I need to learn from the wise men is the lesson of gifts. What am I bringing to Jesus’ feet? He doesn’t need gold, frankincense, or myrrh. When I see my Lord and Savior the sort of gifts I can bring Him can’t be materials. The gifts I need to bring are faithfulness, servitude, love, and obedience. God has blessed me with various gifts. The Holy Spirit stirs up those gifts with divine intent. What I need to be doing is traveling toward my own meeting with my Savior carrying those gifts. I need to be developing them so that way He can see them along my way.

                It is a shame we can’t somehow put all of this meaning into those cartoons. Jesus is the point. He is always the point. But God never gives us useless information. We shouldn’t skip over the point and the lesson of the three wise men. They will help us better understand, and more approach the point of Jesus more profitably.