My LORD, my Master

I’ve sold myself to people – men and women – for a fleshly price

I’ve sold myself to ideas – for the cost of acceptance

I’ve sold myself for pleasure; I’ve sold myself for pain

I set my purchase price, I picked my owners, I determined the time

I sought, I found, I decided

But not with You

You thought of me before I existed

You sought me – the first time that’s ever happened for me

You bought me two thousand years ago

When You suffered I was in Your heart

From the first drop of blood You branded me YOUR possession

I am not Your convert, I am not Your servant

You purchased me with Your suffering

Just as Paul is, just as James is, I am Your slave

You are my Master

I get that now

You alone are worthy of my worship, and abject adoration

I am on my knees, fall on my face, because You bought me with Your love through Your blood

I don’t worship You for heaven

If hell must be my head – I will still worship You

Because YOU alone are worthy my LORD0

And my heart aches with Your awesomeness and glory

My mind reels with the purchased price

I am Your reward, Your treasure, because YOU wanted me

In You I can stand, but because of You I am on my knees

I love You seems so pale and faded, but YOU can make it great bright and brilliant

My LORD, my Savior, My God

Never cease seeking me, I beg of you, and I will try not to stray

Just call my knee, and give me the strength I plead to always answer

“Here I am”

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My personal Psalm

In the dark I have withered

Unknowingly lost I have wasted away

I did not know I was blind as I feasted on Gahanna

Unafraid I lived boldly against you

Unchecked, I challenged Your people, and threw down the weak

As a worm ridden guide I led many down my rut into Your justified, wrathful fire

I’d shamefully claim ignorance, but I knew of You from a young age

I deserved Your hell richly, and I spat in Your face as I drove the nails in

In horror I shudder to think of the piddlily amount I would have taken, 30 would seem like so much

But You would not settle for my rebellion

My denials fell on open ears as You came near

I flinch to think of how many scars on Your heart belong to my teeth and nails as You drew me into Your arms

In my wretched terror You whispered three words to me

“You are mine”

In a moment You shattered me like a long forgotten window beneath a wrecking ball

And then everything changed . . .

 

For the first time I opened my eyes and saw the brilliant promises of Your rainbow

With the eyes of a babe I looked on the cross and wept tears drawn up through my soul

And You did not leave me

Instead you picked up my broken body from the sludge of my debauchery

You carried me from the dark as my muscles were non-existent as I had never used them before

Not even to inch my way from my own cancerous slime

You washed the feet of Your disciples but You bathed all of me with Your tears through Your blood

Each day You mend my destruction, teaching me how myself truly works

Like an infant I am unable to walk, though You are teaching me first to crawl

Through each breath You teach me to depend on You – even when I attempt to crawl away to temptation

But You do not leave me

Your Spirit richly plagues me to thirst after Your word, which strengthens me day by day

I think I might stand one day, but Your unimaginable love keeps me on my knees

Despite these words and my heart I know I will still fall

I will still wander and stray

But You do not leave me

The depth of worldly loss is wholly known to me, but the ocean of ALL I gain in YOU LORD still finds me in the shallows

I am in no hurry to get to the deep end

For every drop of Your all-consuming water drenches me in cherished love for You

I know I will still lean toward the beach

But You do not leave me

My toes feel an edge beneath me and before me

I fear an abyss I know does not exist in the ocean of Your love

Despite the fear of the path You put me on You still do not leave me

So in You LORD is my hope

You are my redemption

You slay all my monsters and free me from my demons

You show me a new mirror to see myself in

You bathe me in a new love to exist inside

As each new fear arises through every beat of my heart You take it away and replace it with peace

So in You I hope, in You I rejoice, in You I sing, in You I dance, in You I worship, in You I kneel, in You I pray, in You I fall on my face

In You I am shielded and clothed before You

“Thank You” are the only small words I have, but You know my heart

And You still do not leave me

Thank you for loving all of me, for never giving up on me, for calling me

Daughter

I love you, so much

Abba, Father

Heavenly Daddy

Amen

God will carry it home

If I could say just one thing
I wouldn’t know the words
Everything I have seems so pale and so old
Heavy with centuries of human mistakes
That take away from the beauty of all that they mean
Shadowed remains of once mighty things
And what I feel is so much more
Than the remnants of forgotten thoughts and dreams

If I could scream what it is that I feel
You wouldn’t know, you wouldn’t hear
So I whisper a wish on the wind
And hope and I pray that one day
God will carry it home

My tongue feels so empty
And my mouth is a void
My greedy heart has taken up
All that is left of me
Flooding my veins
With all the things that I just can’t say
Unwanted words
Scrawling so endlessly
Beneath my skin

Tormenting me from within
And every breath I take
Sends a new surge
Of welcomed, inky, fire
To scorch this brand into my soul

If I could scream what it is that I feel
You wouldn’t know, you wouldn’t hear
So I whisper a wish on the wind
And hope and I pray that one day
God will carry it home
That God will carry it home

If only my arms were long enough
I could reach across this great divide
To show you …

But I am not the creator of this chasm
The distance is not orchestrated by my design
So here I wait on my side on my knees in the dirt
Hoping that when you look back to see
You won’t find another disappointment in me

If I could scream what it is that I feel
You wouldn’t know, you wouldn’t hear
So I whisper a wish on the wind
And hope and I pray that one day
God will carry it home

You wouldn’t hear the words from my lips
You wouldn’t know the tattoo of my heart
And every tear that I cry would be another drop
Of forgiving rain sent from the sky

So I whisper a wish on the wind
And I hope and I pray that one day
Yes I hope and I pray that one day
God will carry it home.
That God will carry it home
That God will carry it home
That God will carry it home
That God will carry me home